As I gaze out at the Gulf of Mexico and the Sea of Full Breasted Geriatric Men on Redington Beach, Florida, I am reminded of the old Beverly Hills, 90210 program. From the Golden Girls’ muumuu-adorned chats on the lanai, to the climactic Morty Seinfeld-Frank Costanza condo board election at Del Boca Vista, the Sunshine State is ripe with the hip and the aged. Conversely yet similarly, the west coast shores boast youthful, sunny escapades in shows like Hannah Montana and Saved By the Bell, and a load of other, more dramatic soap operas like the one I’m about to discuss.

Pretty soon the gang from the Peach Pit might re-locate from the bold and beauty of the west coast, to join the hip and the aged, where wicker furniture, tropical-patterned upholstery, and boat-style vehicles run rampant.

I just felt like I was cheating on my old friends, and I also felt that my days of watching shows like these are over.

In the 1990s at West Beverly High, the drama was palpable. Dylan (Luke Perry, who, interestingly enough, is not listed as a cast member in the IMDB entry for the show) struggled endlessly with his daddy issues, his Archie-style tear between Brenda (Shannon Doherty) or Kelly (Jennie Garth), and the pains of being rich.

Donna (Tori Spelling) and David’s (Brian Austin Green) love story was tumultuous and heartrending – but despite Donna’s side romances with abusive James Dean lookalikes, the threat of not graduating from high school because of her foolish intoxication, and her pains of being rich, and David’s quest to become a world-famous DJ, his early trauma of watching a best friend accidentally shoot himself in the face with his father’s pistol, and his pains of being rich – the two ultimately ended up together.

Kelly – poor, misguided Kelly. She was constantly forced to cope with being beautiful, fending off coke-addicted boyfriends, eating disorders, date rape, nose jobs, a drunk mother, and the pains of being rich.

Heartthrob and top-billed Brandon Walsh (Jason Priestly) remained the show’s anchor amidst all the absurdity. Brandon worked part time at the Peach Pit to buy his own car. He was always making sure the rest of the gang didn’t get too crazy. All this, and he still had to deal with girlfriends like Emily Valentine (Christine Elise as the troubled newcomer to West Bev in season two) and rebel sisters like Brenda. And of course, he was always dealing with the pains of not being as rich. If you see the Walsh’s house, they were hardly paupers, despite their reputation as the welfare kids in the school (of course, poor old Ah-ndrea (Gabriel Carteris) had to leave right after high school, she was so ridiculed for being too smart and too poor.

In retrospect, seriously…

Perhaps what hoisted the show into cult status was what went on off-set and in the tabloids. Shannen Doherty’s rambunctious real-life reputation often trumped Brenda’s dramatic sweeps back to Minnesota, her affairs with her acting coaches, her affairs in Paris with Dean Cain. And her pains of not being as rich. And the whole story of how Doherty and Garth hated each other and couldn’t work together was like, sooo high school. Those who watched it, loved it. I remember some similar situations back in my Prince of Wales Collegiate days. Dr-a-ma!

Maybe that’s why we love caddy, ridiculous situations like these. We love laughing at the melodramatic “issues” of high school, that in retrospect, are not dramatic at all. Then again, maybe we should take these shows more seriously – especially those with teenage children. Their pains may seem silly to those who have already lived that life stage, but to the kids they’re dealing with real problems. What’s a parents’ best tactic? Better yet, what’s your favourite 90210 moment, and do you think the kids dealt with the situation as efficiently as they could have? Please indulge my attempt at an after-school special conclusion.

Old vs New

There is a new version of this show, and I have to admit, I watched the first episode and that was it. I just felt like I was cheating on my old friends, and I also felt that my days of watching shows like these are over. I have friends who would disagree, and who still love shows like The Bachelor, and The Hills. I try to ignore this fact about those friends and focus on their finer qualities.

The new show doesn’t have the off-set escapades, and it’s still too early in its life for the kids to really gel. Maybe it will find a new generation of viewers who will rave about it in years to come.

And so, I think the answer is obvious. Keep the new 90210 for the O.C./Laguna Beach/Jersey Shore alumni, but for us Kelly, Dylan, Brenda, and “Donna Martin graduates!” aficionados – relocate the whole gang to take up residence in the Golden Girls’ old pad. And get Betty White to non-nonsensically replace Carol Potter as Cindy Walsh. We’d all watch it, you know we would.

9/10 microwave donuts (for nostalgia’s sake).

SHARE WITH YOUR FRIENDS

RELATED ARTICLES

• It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia
• A catch-up with Kim Stockwood
• Gary Kelly wins seat in Corner Brook

CONNECT WITH THE INDY