The leader of the Newfoundland NDP party is taking a strong stand against oil companies. Late last week, Michael revealed her party’s election platform that is thick with social policies – and to pay for those initiatives the NDP plans to charge a new 3% surtax on the big players in the oil industry. Adding to those policies, Michael then said over the weekend “I think any agreement can be opened… I think we can ask for more money, and I intend to go after it.” The cover of the NDP platform document is a pedestrian giving the middle finger to a puddle of oil.

There is no denying that there are serious environmental impacts the oil industry causes. But there is also no doubt that it has single handedly been responsible for the vitalization of Newfoundland and Labrador and it is a key component of our future. So what’s Michael’s big beef with the oil industry? Is it that the oil industry is responsible for almost 40% of the province’s GDP? Is it that the oil industry is responsible for more than 2% of the province’s employment directly? Is it that it is estimated that direct or induced employment spun off from the industry accounts for almost 15% of the province’s entire workforce?

Or is it that the beef more personal. Did an oil executive trample on her backyard vegetable garden? Did the Hibernia oil platform run over her dory? Did she lose a high-stakes poker match at Casino Royale against famed oil industry accountant Le Chiffre?

Pretend reporters for The Newfoundland Free Press decided it was just about time to find out why Michael wasn’t such a big fan of oil. And now thanks to fictional reports from fake NFP sources, the true nature of Michael’s plan with regards to oil companies have been revealed – and the extent and bluntness of her plans are to say the least quite shocking.

Evil Plan: Stage 1
Michael’s evil long term plans against big oil are divided into four major components. The first component is to get elected, to charge her 3% surtax, and to join the ‘Socialist Nations Association of the Pacific and not-Pacific Earth Representatives’, or SNAPPER .

Evil Plan: Stage Two
Stage two of her evil plans include a new extensive taxation scheme that will force oil companies to pay an 80% tax on all goods, services, and needs of the entire industry. This new tax has significant range; oil companies will have to pay the tax on the equipment it procures for oil extraction, will have to add 80% to its payroll expenditures, and will even have to pay a negative tax on the oil that it sells (e.g. when the company sells its oil, the oil company will have to return 80% of the proceeds of purchase to the buyer). This tax will even affect workers in or related to the oil industry; each oil industry worker will be tattooed with “oil industry” markings on their forehead, and will have to pay an additional 80% tax on all goods and services that they buy in their day to day lives.

Evil Plan: Stage Three
The third part of the evil socialist NDP plan is to deny access to the island or Labrador portion of the province to oil, and oil industry workers. Workers will all be flown to the various ships and structures in the Atlantic ocean and left there to live the remainder of their natural lives. Any oil tanker attempting to export oil through tankers or by any other means will be destroyed and the oil will be leaked into the ocean as a warning against future attempts.

Evil Plan: Stage Four
The fourth component of Michael’s plan is to raise a new Newfoundland militia, separate from the Canadian Forces. This militia, which will comprise of 4 F-18 strikers and 3 battle ships, will immediately act hostile towards the oil industry and mildly aggravate their offshore activities by firing dummy torpedos at the various gravity based structures, scaring away offshore helicopters with “warning-shot” missiles from the F-18s, and constant egging of the Henry Goodridge through dories.

“The NDP doesn’t like war. The NDP also doesn’t like oil. But if we had to pick one over the other, we’d pick war over oil any day of the week and twice on Sunday” said an anonymous NDP source whose named we can’t print. But we can type it. And it was Lorraine Michael.