To the premier-in-waiting

A letter from an anonymous source in Confederation Building, who retrieved it from Frank Coleman’s mail slot in the Premier’s Office.

Dear Sir,

I write this in hopes it may bring you comfort in these dark times. Reflecting on recent events, you must be questioning the wisdom of allowing yourself to be appointed as our premier, and perhaps you are also questioning the wisdom of those who appointed you. But do not despair.

You must forgive the cynical and foolhardy people of this province, who have all too readily fallen prey to an insidious trap set out by the smear machine of the official opposition and local media. You cannot blame the people for misunderstanding the intricacies and complexity of the business world, in which petty matters of $19 million here or there are mostly unworthy of mention and barely deserve an entry in the ledger.

You must also forgive these foolhardy people for misunderstanding how an esteemed person such as yourself may become premier of this province without ever having been elected to public office. They cannot grasp the way power flows through the corridors of Confederation Building any more than they apprehend the movement of bile through the gallbladder on its journey to the sphincter. They see these things through a lens of mysticism, as a kind of magic, and know little of what democracy really means.

And those women of the province, those immoral creatures who stand to benefit so much from your ecclesiastical insights on human reproduction, how can you blame the fallen? The daughters of Eve can do no more than carry on the legacy of that original sin, and it is only through your righteousness and firm command they will be brought back to the light. That much is certain.

If only those foolhardy people of the province would give you a fair chance. If only they would ignore the outrageous allegations of corruption and ignore the conventions of their supposed democracy and ignore the machinations of those godless heathens, I am sure they would see the true you. What they see now is no more than an illusion based on lies and manipulation.

When I am out for my afternoon walk and encounter the rabble, I take every opportunity to set those illusions straight, yet I do not know what I shall do if I hear one more quip about your Vienna Sausages or the side on which your bread is buttered. But nonetheless I humbly pray of you, do give them another chance. They are a stubborn people, and easily misled, but they are a people in need of the sort of honest, astute leadership you will most certainly provide (even the run-up to your time in office has demonstrated your vast untapped potential and shrewdness).

In closing, let me reiterate one piece of advice, if I may be so bold to offer it: no matter the trials and tribulations you must never relent. In the face of great adversity you must never back down, valiantly striding forward on this path that has been set before you. Though there may be twists and turns, and though the path may lead through a political minefield, never doubt the esteem in which you are held by your supporters and never believe rumors of betrayal. There is no Brutus in your midst, soon-to-be-premier Coleman, and we, your many admirers, will always have your back.

Ever and always your obedient servant,

Justine Case

Editor’s note: This is a piece of satirical writing. If you would like to respond to this or any article on, or if you would like to address an issue we haven’t yet covered, we welcome thoughtful and articulate Letters to the Editor. You can email yours to: justin(at)theindependent(dot)ca. Not all letters will be printed, but all will be read.

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