Gilding the lily

Things are pretty darn great here. There is no warfare. We can vote and express differing political opinions without being shot at. We have lots of everything. For this I am grateful.

So while being grateful, I like to explore the indulgent arena of more. How could things be even more awesome? I dream of simple ideas that could make an already idyllic existence idyllic-er.

A little heat might solve the winter sidewalk issue. If we rip up our sidewalks and install some heating pipe, we could connect them to ground source heat pumps. We’d have in-sidewalk heating. Big dumps of snow would be no problem; we’ll just crank up the heat. We could have safe, clear, comfy sidewalks that are energy efficient!

Getting to the bottom of things… heated car seats are nice, but I’d prefer a heated steering wheel. My ass has never done me any favours, but my hands sure deserve a little comfort. They’ve always slid happily into any gloves I want unlike you-know-who in the jeans department.


Let’s make the steering wheel even better with a gentle massage feature. Perhaps we can add a music sensor feature so you can drum along with Neil Peart or play the keyboard while you wait at a light. Just imagine how cool you’ll look belting out your favourite tune and nailing that drum solo!

Be as good and balanced a person as you want, but someday someone’s going to push your buttons. Wouldn’t it be nice to have a button of your own?

When dealing with other drivers, you may find yourself somewhere between seethingly annoyed and full-on road rage. “Beep” just isn’t gratifying. How about if your horn blatted “Bleep you, you bleeping bleep!” in an authentic New York accent? In the parking lot when someone’s muscling in on your spot, Space Odyssey’s HAL informs them, “I’m sorry Dave, I believe you’re in my spot. Please move, Dave.” You can program your own sounds, of course. Perhaps a donkey bray or a foghorn would work too.

Be as good and balanced a person as you want, but someday someone’s going to push your buttons. Wouldn’t it be nice to have a button of your own? When said button-pushing nuisance does something like trashes you and when caught says, “Oh, I was only joking” you reach for The Karmanator. This discreet device, when pushed, will somehow interact with the offender’s skin to form a boil, or hemorrhoid. It will give them something annoying they won’t want to discuss. You can think about how funny their ‘joke’ was while they attempt to sit through a meeting.

Talk with the animals

Ever been to someone’s place and their dog, cat, ferret, goldfish just hates you? Maybe Fluffy growls at you all night, or humps your leg, or poops in your shoe. I propose Eau de Cesar Millan, an essence that makes you every animal’s friend. Spritz yourself with some of this and walk down the road with a Disney-like relationship to all creatures.

Impress all your friends with your unearthly ability to charm even the most bloodthirsty beast. Lure moose safely from the highway. You will probably smell like bacon, but it would be worth it. You will also receive a bonus sample of Stop Standing so Close to me Buddy When We’re the Only People on the Elevator cologne for those times you want a little more personal space.

The sounds of silence

And now, on to a more delicate arena, one fraught with neurosis and potential embarrassment… the bathroom. Smell isn’t really an issue anymore with all the dewy mountain vapour mists and matches and incense and fans and blowtorches. Sound is the battleground now.

I’m sure we’ve all attended a gathering of super quiet people in a house where the bathroom is right off the living room and the walls are made of crepe paper. Fans won’t help you when you’ve had 12 cups of coffee and you’re peeing for 15 minutes straight, and you know it is becoming the stuff of giggles and medical astonishment. Or perhaps you’re having a more unmentionable event.

I propose the sound absorbing toilet. Perhaps Sir Dyson can come up with some cyclone action in the can to just draw embarrassing sound right into some kind of porcelain black hole never to be heard by a living soul.

While I’m at it, I’d like a pony

Also, I’d like some kind of Botox shot that would paralyze the face into an interested expression. There are plenty of occasions when keeping a fascinated look on your face for the duration is just about impossible; your eyes start blinking too much and your mouth hangs slack. A quick self-administered hit of botulism would be just the thing.

I’d love to have a cream to make me like the Bionic Woman. You rub some of this stuff on your hands, and presto, you don’t ever have to rely on others to open the salsa! Want to enjoy a Mexican beer, but can’t find and opener anywhere? No problem, just use your moisturized bionic hand. Apply wherever necessary. Just imagine the butt kicking you could do!

Really, things are great. Sometimes, I just like to take this triple-decker double chocolate fudge ripple cake of a life and throw some whipped cream and sprinkles on there. Patents are pending.

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