BLOG: Noah in the 21st Century

The story of the trouble Noah might have if he planned to build an Ark in Canada today.

Have you ever been so aggravated by bureaucratic red tape that you felt like throwing your hands in the air and surrendering completely? Well if you’ve ever tried to build a new house, start a small business or even get a passport then you probably have.

In that light I thought it might be interesting for everyone to read the following. It tells the story of the trouble Noah might have if he planned to build an Ark in Canada today.

If you’re experiences with government bureaucracy, at any level, are the same as many I’ve had then you’ll understand his frustration.

Several different versions of this story have been around for decades. An American one appeared in Reader’s Digest a number of years back and I have seen several others since then.

This particular version is based was written specifically for a Newfoundland and Labrador flavor.

Read on…

And the Lord said unto Noah, “I see the earth is wicked”.

“Build me an Ark and gather the animals of the land, air and sea two by two. Take with thee only the best of living people and gather them aboard the Ark that they may survive and multiply.”

“You must show all haste in your task Noah for in six months the rains fall and all mankind will perish.”

Noah, being a good and devout man, immediately set to work at his task never once questioning his Lord and Master.

That’s where the trouble began.

Six months later, as the rains began to fall, the Lord looked down and saw that Noah was weeping uncontrollably in his yard. No ark was in sight.

As lightening flashed and thunder roared the Lord roared.

“Noah, where’s my Ark?”

“Please forgive me Lord,” begged Noah sobbing.

“Things have not gone well, not well at all.”

“First the town placed a stop work order on me. They said I needed a building permit and it needed to be properly displayed on the job site so I did as they asked oh Lord.”

“I’ve also been arguing incessantly with fire and safety inspectors about the need for a sprinkler system. They say I can’t bring people onboard unless I have a system installed.”

“My neighbours claim I’ve violated neighborhood zoning laws by building an Ark in my front yard. They say it contravenes municipal height restrictions. I’ve spent weeks fighting with the Development Appeal Board over that issue.”

“Transport Canada, the Department of Highways and Hydro want a bond posted to cover the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear a passage for the Ark to be moved to the sea. I argued that the sea would be coming to us, but they won’t listen.”

“You wouldn’t believe the problem I’ve had getting wood.”

“I had to get a logging permit but that isn’t as easy as you might think because there’s a ban on cutting trees in my area because it’s a habitat for the endangered Pine Marten.”

“I tried to convince the Departments of forestry and environment that the reason I needed the wood was in order to save the Pine Marten. No go!”

“When I began to gather the animals I was sued by multiple animal rights groups. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will and told me the accommodations are too restrictive.”

“They said it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in such a confined space.”

“The Workplace Safety Commission shut down the job site for nearly a week because of all the animal droppings in the area. They said it was a slip and fall hazard and if any of my workers were injured I’d be liable.”

“After all of this, Environment Canada said I could not build the Ark without first filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood.”

“Then the local town engineers wanted a map of the expected flood plan. I sent them a globe – they went ballistic.”

“I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission over how many visible minorities I’m supposed to hire for my building crew and now the trade unions are on my back.”

“Apparently I can’t use my sons to help me build your ark. The unions say I have to use unionized resources with Ark building experience.”

“I ask you, where in Your name am I supposed to find experienced ark builders?”

“To make matters worse, Canada Customs and Revenue have seized all my assets. I can’t even buy a piece of two by four. They claim I’m planning to leave the country illegally, without a valid passport and with several endangered species.”

“Forgive me Lord but at this rate it’s going to take me at least ten years to finish this Ark.”

As Noah sobbed, the rain suddenly cleared and the sun began to shine.

A rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder. “You mean you’re not going to destroy the World Lord?”

“No,” said the Lord. “Your government is already doing that!”

Read more of the author’s blog at Web Talk – Newfoundland and Labrador

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