I won’t be watching the Royal Wedding. To tell the truth, I’d find a root canal more entertaining. Maybe even a colonoscopy. It would be less of a bummer for me than watching those two “royal” creatures tying the knot.

What makes a person royal anyway? Why are these two considered royal? According to yourdictionary.com royal means, among other things, Royal : adjective : of, from, by, or to a king, queen, or other sovereign: the royal family.

I guess the groom is somewhat royal. His father is a Prince, after all, and Charles is of a Queen, Queen Elizabeth. I guess she’s royal because her father was a king, and on it goes, on and on and on, ad nauseum.

But the bride — is she of, from, by, or to a king, queen, or other sovereign? I don’t think so. Maybe. Not sure.

But, even if they are legitimately royal, I don’t really give a… a… f…..rankly I don’t give a damn! Their $200 million wedding bores the DNA out of me. Yes, that’s how deep a pass-time of overpowering ennui this event really is to me.

Why are they getting so much attention? Has William written a better novel than Remembrance Of Things Past? Has he written Love In The Time of Cholera? Heck, First Blood? Has she discovered a cure for cancer? Lupus? Heck, haemorrhoids? Has he won a Gold Medal at the Olympics? In the Decathlon? The Marathon? Heck, Colouring? Has she won an Academy Award for portraying someone tall and great, possibly royal, on the big screen? Florence Nightingale? Laura Secord? Heck, Lady Di? Has he been elected Prime Minister of England? Of Ireland? Heck, P.E.I? Has she… well, anyway.

Let’s face it, just a little while ago no one was talking about these two, although one of my friends says they were. I didn’t notice that… The only reason anyone is talking now is because… ah… um… it’s because they are getting married!?!

Fame may be fleeting, but also, apparently very easy to come by. I have tried to be fair amidst all the drivel, swizzle and blather being published about Kate and William to find out the worth of the event in terms of the mass hysteria surrounding it. But as far as I know, they weren’t exactly on the radar anywhere before they or the paparazzi announced they were getting married or at least,engaged. At first I thought she might have been knocked up and it was a rush job, but no, even that was denied me. Then I wondered if it was only me who was being bored into catatonia by the royals. I discovered no. Many, many Canadians have shown no interest whatsoever in them.

Per sense

One recent poll showed that only around forty per cent of us plan to watch the toxically uneventful event later this week. And only nineteen said they would really watch it. The other twenty one percent or so said they might. In the vicinity of fifteen percent said they wouldn’t and forty-four percent or so said they were very unlikely to watch. So many sane Canadians share this planet with me! Yeah!

Apparently women are more likely to watch than men according to a Harris-Decima spokesman. He said twenty-six per cent of women plan to watch, while only eleven per cent of men will. So much healthy sanity among the male population bodes well for our country too doesn’t it! Huh? Huh?

And by the way, God Bless Our Youth. The same poll showed only six per cent of the 18-34 age group will watch, while thirty per cent of those over fifty will watch the damn thing. In La Belle Province of course, where people have a very healthy understanding of the importance of the British Monarch in our Canadian lives, fifty-two per cent said they were very unlikely to watch the nuptials.

A recent poll has also shown that seventy percent of Canadians know that the newlyweds will make Canada their first foreign trip as man and wife, and yet only six per cent said they will follow the visit very closely.

So, by and large, most Canadians seem as unexcited by this week’s royal wedding as I am. Maybe they too are being forced to miss it because they, like me, have to do their nails.

Yawn.