I.

ME: Oh, isn’t that unusual! The town is named River of Ponds. There must be several bodies of water nearby—

MAP [deviously]: Yes, including…

II.

ME: It’d be so nice to get out near the water. Hmm, should I head to the sea? Or would a lake be nicer?

MAP [very conflict-avoidant]: Oh, what do you think? It doesn’t matter to me!

ME: No, really, which would be nicest?

MAP: …Maybe a little of each? 


III.

ME: I’m excited to check out the fancy department stores in New York City! Bendel’s, Bloomingdale’s, Lord and Taylor!

MAP [patriotic, annoyed]: If you like Lord and Taylor, you don’t have to go all the way to the States for that… 

IV.

ME: Love when a town name is clear and informative. You head north, you arrive at a harbour: North Harbour!

MAP [embarrassed; awkwardly]: …Thanks for the compliment, but you might want to look ever so slightly to the east.

V.

ME: To get to the mainland I could fly, or I could take the car on the ferry— but both are so expensive and carbon-intensive!

MAP [with the helpful air of Microsoft Word’s late lamented Clippy]: You haven’t assessed quite all the options yet

All Google Maps screenshots courtesy of the author.

Kirsten Morry writes an occasional trivia column for The Independent. She was the first Jeopardy! contestant to be introduced as hailing from Newfoundland and Labrador. Kirsten has also written for The Toast. Follow her on Twitter: @kirstenmorry

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Kirsten Morry is a lawyer and humourist from St. John's, and a recognized authority on hairstyles, royalty, and Animal Crossing (inasmuch as she was heavily quoted in a single Wall Street Journal article uniting all three of those topics). She appeared on the quiz show Jeopardy! in 2018.