So You’ve Decided to Separate: A Planner’s Guide to Wexit

Thanks to the patriotic resistence in Alberta, we obtained a top-secret planning guide used by the Western Separatist movement. They’ve got big plans.

TOP SECRET

White Hat Wexiteers’ Eyes Only

  1. Tunneling To The Sea. This is the most obvious solution to our dilemma of being landlocked. We’ve been drilling holes in the ground for decades so are in possession of the skills to mount such an undertaking. A tunnel to the Pacific is the obvious choice. There is no reason to suppose that British Columbia will ever accept the creation of such a passage if they won’t tolerate being penetrated by our pipes. The deep dig will have to be undertaken in secrecy. We can assume the Rockies will muffle the sound for the first part of the excavation but are going to have to take great care to be quiet as we tunnel under the populated areas nearest the coast. The earth dug from the tunnel can then be used to form our offshore Albertan Island from which we can distribute our unprocessed bitumen to the world.
  2. The Necklace of the Righteous. There are many south of the border who share our free thinking, carbon-positive ways. They too suffer the indignity of scorn from coastal elites and are set on avenging years of picking up the tab for ungrateful liberals and progressives. We are not proposing some new “Middlelandia” but a loose federation of the alienated running through the continent: Alberta, Montana, Wyoming, Nebraska, Kansas, Texas—all the way from the oil sands to the Gulf of Mexico.
  3. Getting Out By Shutting In. This is the wall option, not to be confused with any of the various “firewalls” that have been proposed in the past, but an impenetrable physical barrier: Fortress Alberta. We build a wall where the current border exists and become a self-contained, self-sustaining sovereign entity. We can surely produce most of the food we need—no one is going to complain if it’s mostly beef. We will have to do without coffee, tea and citrus fruit in the short term but using our giant excess of energy (the wall precludes exports unless we have already built the secret tunnel to the Pacific) we will eventually have the juice to heat great ranges of green houses. Emissions from this effort will be no problem as Independent Alberta will have no controls. Besides, much of the exhaust will float over the wall and prevailing winds would carry it east. Walls are in now.
  4. Scriptural Argument. Pastor Manning has redoubled his analysis of the Old Testament and Jason’s Opus Dei pals are combing through the Gospels, all looking for a passage that says our emancipation was foretold and is the will of The Almighty. We won’t have to hold any referendum if Alberta sovereignty is the word of God. (Note: also get Preston to check Deuteronomy again for scripture sanctioning polygamy. After the expulsion of the Newfies we are going to need many more strong backs to take on the shit work up north and the base aren’t keen on immigration, so we will have to breed with purpose. Having but one wife severely limits a virile man’s procreative capacity.) Nothing in the Bible is going to help us get bitumen to tide water but we will be satisfied we were right and the eastern bastards will burn in eternal hell fire.
  5. Invade and Annex British Columbia. Messy but we could easily muster a fighting force of angry Albertans and would face a British Columbia populated largely by stoned tree-hugging peaceniks. Some of British Columbia’s northern port towns would welcome us as liberators.

A final note. There’s some concern that the term “Wexit” is problematic. There is a remote possibility that Brexit could be catastrophic for the British economy and by the time we got around to taking action we might not want any association with the British effort to free itself from the yoke of European bureaucracy. Also some think “Wexit” just sounds silly, sort of moist and mincing. More than a few cannot help but hearing it spoken by Elmer Fudd. Alternatives being proposed are Wexodus (Preston’s fave, no surprise), The Westdrawal Method. Let’s keep thinking about it. Free Alberta!

Photo by Timorose.

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