Idea 1

I remix the song “September” by Earth, Wind & Fire fifty-two times. The bulk of the song is unaffected. The initial line (“Do you remember? / The twenty-first night of September?”) is modified to replace “twenty-first” with another number. 

Numbers between one and thirty-one whose adjectival forms have three syllables will be available. In thirty-nine versions of the song, I also adjust the month named in the chorus and opening line. 

I sell DJs and/or bridal couples the version of the track that matches the wedding date.

The twelve October versions will be sold at a discount to reflect the lack of rhyme with “remember.” Another discount will apply for the four versions featuring the troublingly-technically-trisyllabic “eleventh.”

Consultations are available on request, but given COVID-19 concerns in-person meetings cost extra. See the chart below for details on date availability: 

Idea 2

For a fee, I update the Wikipedia page “List of notable cranks” to include the name of a person with whom my client perennially disagrees. This service will be useful for people who are forbidden or frightened to take a publicly argumentative stance. 

Academics with grievances against fellow practitioners of a narrow speciality; news reporters who are forbidden to tweet in any but the most perfectly inoffensive manner while their more favoured colleagues post fact-free “analysis” wherever and whenever they want; those whose non-profit workplaces are under the thrall of a funder with brain worms; people who work in communities so small their fear of petty revenge eclipses their desire to take principled stances—all will rush to hire me. 

For an added fee, I will get into earnest to-and-fros on the Wikipedia Talk page to try and protect the addition. I cannot guarantee my edits will last very long, but my client will in any case receive a commemorative screenshot. 

Idea 3

Scented candles help relieve stress. Driving is a stressful situation. Thus: a scented candle in a jar designed to minimize wax spillage, especially when placed in the cupholder. 

Dangerous?  Yes, driving certainly is. Candles could hardly worsen that. 

Idea 4

I purchase land and buildings in the town of Eastport, Newfoundland and Labrador, that once housed a mini-golf course/petting zoo/collection of fairy-tale tableaux called Family Funland. 

I lovingly restore its circa-2003 features (it was perfect). 

I re-open the business under the name New Funland.*  

*If criticized for nominative insularity, I reinvest profits to add a large and striking door with a set of weighing scales painted upon it. I rename the business New Funland and Libradoor.

Photo by KMR Photography.

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Kirsten Morry is a lawyer and humourist from St. John's, and a recognized authority on hairstyles, royalty, and Animal Crossing (inasmuch as she was heavily quoted in a single Wall Street Journal article uniting all three of those topics). She appeared on the quiz show Jeopardy! in 2018.