FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
New Policy Proposal from the Dapper Party: Rewarding Canada’s Strongest Posters
October 10, 2019, 8:30 am
The Problem. Canadians who make genuinely original posts on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram are currently compensated in a digital currency even dumber than bitcoin: little icons shaped like hearts and arrows. Even that meager compensation is easily alienated from them by content “curators” who screenshot, crop and re-post their work.
The Dapper Solution. We had initially envisioned a boutique tax credit, but then remembered those are insanely stupid. They go unused by many people who are eligible, don’t effectively increase the occurence of the behaviour notionally being encouraged, and basically only serve to say “Hey—the party that implemented this tax credit cares deeply about a particular demographic of voters—and we are allowed to advertise that affinity between election campaigns, with government money, under the guise of spreading awareness of this new low-value tax credit.”
Where were we? Right. Every day, excellent posters turn away from social media platforms because their “mental health is being destroyed” or their “spouse is just really concerned” or what-have-you. And an unfortunate accompanying truth is that low-quality posters rarely tire (or retire) in the same way.
What’s necessary, then, is a new agency that will administer the equivalent of SSHRC, NSERC, or Canada Council grants to the extremely-short-form writers and artists of Online. This will enable Canada’s top-tier posters to focus on their craft and more effectively justify self-destructive behaviours.
BREAKING: Opposition parties slam “grants for posters” program as misguided
By Zelda Malone
Today, the Dapper Party announced a policy proposal to financially compensate the minds behind Canada’s social media posts.
Few details of the program are as yet on offer, which is described in a press release as a granting program that would allow posters to focus on their craft.
When asked for comment, Meghan Yates, leader of the Doomer Party, asked: “How is a new government agency supposed to be able to tell good tweets apart from bad ones? Judgments like that are in the eye of the beholder. Plus, they want to exclude content curators from eligibility, and I for one quite like those Twitter threads that are just numbered screenshots from Tumblr.”
Dominique Martin, leader of the Dork Party, took a different tack in her criticism: “Unlike our opponents, we know that subsidizing content creators will only stanch the supply of truly excellent comedic tweets, as these are widely known to be a byproduct of situational depression and precarious employment.”
Barbs Exchanged on Posting Subsidy Plan
by Shoshanna Smithfield
The Dapper Party fired back at accusations that their plan to subsidize the country’s meme-makers would be impossible or counterproductive.
Alina Canning, former chief of staff for the Dapper Party leader, wrote (as an aside in a long Instagram caption on a photo of her West Highland White Terrier dog near a sunset) “An extremely modest subsidy to Canadian posters would pay off hugely. If we want Canada to have clout on the global stage in the 21st century, we need a critical mass of strong-voiced microbloggers and influencers.”
Taylor Javitz, the leader of the Dapper Party, stated (in response to an unrelated question at a news scrum): “The posting grant program would be helpful across all regions of Canada. When I think about my home province’s disproportionately high cultural production output, it’s obvious to me that a small posting subsidy could be expected to yield 2.4 Kimmel units within just two years.”
Upon further inquiry it was clarified that a “Kimmel unit” is $11 million worth of brand awareness. The term originates from the Newfoundland and Labrador government’s enthusiastic calculation of the value of American TV show host Jimmy Kimmel’s brief bout of toponymphomania in the summer of 2019.
Doomer leader Yates advanced a new argument against the plan: “This plan to pay the “best” posters is typical elitism from the Dapper Party. The vast majority of Canadians are lurkers. The Doomer Party thinks it’d make more sense for the government to pay people NOT to tweet.”
Tweet from journalist Shoshanna Smithfield (with link to her article)
Come for the latest news on the @Dapper_Party’s “pay-for-posters” plan, stay for the @DoomersCanada leader floating the idea of paying lurkers instead
Reply from journalist Zelda Malone
oh god please we’ll finally be free
72 RTs 300 Likes
Quote-tweet from Bob Rietveld, journalist
Is that last thing… possible?
15 RTs 40 Likes
Tweet from Alina Canning, Dapper operative
I know we’re in favour of paying posters but I have to admit, my husband would love for me to be incentivized to post less
272 RTs 1.1K Likes
Tweet from Matt Leroux, American think-tank person
Canada already has universal health care and now they’re going to be paid not to post? Guys, this is basically as close to UBI as we’re gonna get in my lifetime.
1.3K RTs 2.1K Likes
Tweet from Taylor Javitz, leader of the Dapper Party
We are rethinking the details of our grants-for-posters plan!
1.8K Replies 50 RTs 300 Likes
Kirsten Morry writes an occasional trivia column for The Independent. She was the first Jeopardy! contestant to be introduced as hailing from Newfoundland and Labrador. Kirsten has also written for The Toast. Follow her on Twitter: @kirstenmorry
Photo: “Twitterpops” by Jamie.
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